Phases

The Year Of 2024

wowie

This year, 2024, has been incredible - it started with the darkest period of my life and has ended with the brightest. The contrast is really something.

The lead-up to 2024 was really really hard. Every single day during 2023, all 365 of them, was a struggle. I had to convince myself to get up each day, and then persuade myself to not do anything self destructive - every…single…day. That struggle - it had started years earlier - became more and more unbearable as I moved into 2024. One way or another it was going to end.

In December of 2023 the first part of my life ended. The second part didn't start until April of 2024. Those few months in the middle were…intense. There was so much thinking. I'd never done that much thinking…that much self-reflection.

As I entered 2024 I was in a state of mental breakdown. I was completely broken. Some of you noticed this. I saw many concerned looks and a few of you reached out asking if I was okay. I was not okay. But it was a 'not okay' that no one could help me with. My therapist did help guide me through it all. But it really was an internal thing. Painfully so. I don't think there are many external answers to existential questions.

On 15 April I accepted what had to happen. I accepted myself. Some transgender people speak of a day of acceptance. The day when they accepted that…yeah…they are trans. 15 April 2024 is that day for me. In December of 2023 my 'guy simulation' broke down - you knew him as 'Audin'. And, after four months of agonizing about what to do about that, in April of 2024 I accepted that I could no longer keep up the act. 47 years was too many. That part of me had died. I was no longer able to make him happen. I could no longer face the world as him. I had to start being me. The actual me. The me that I buried 35+ years ago. I could either be me or I could just stop existing. And after four months of thinking I decided against the 'stop' approach. (That was not an easy decision, given how fucked up our society is…)

And as a consequence on 25 April 2024 the most amazing thing happened to me. What happened was entirely silly. I put a little piece of plastic sticky tape on my thigh. That's all. But that piece of tape flooded my body with a new hormone. It wasn't a lot of Estrogen, in the whole scheme of things, but it was more than had ever been there before. And about 11 hours later I…felt better. I actively felt better. And after some adjustments - okay..quite a bit of adjustment…my e2 level today is about 5x what it was in April.. - I feel like a whole new person. Where before there was this constant fizz in my head, and an overwhelming existential dread that permeated everything every single minute, now I feel an almost otherworldly peace. I keep smiling. And I can't really understand why. I'm just…happy now. I'm not like laughing and hooting and hollering all the time. But my resting state is no longer one of depression and near-suicidality. And it's not the numb state of an SSRI either (which I'm also familiar with). Now it's one of (i think) a normal 'ho hum, but things will be okay sort of thing. I don't constantly have to work to distract myself from the horror of my existence. I can sit back and just exist in a reasonably happy state. It's…it's really really weird. And shockingly nice.

So that's where I sit today, at the end of December 2024. Of course a huge amount of stuff is still wrong. This body I inhibit is still completely fucking wrong. And I still suffer from dysphoria almost constantly. But that is changing…and for the first time I'm actively working to change it. But there are so many little things. I pretty much have to learn how to live life completely differently. But I'm learning. And my body is changing. Both under its own power and externally. 2024 was a year of acceptance followed by small mental and hormone driven changes. 2024 was the start of my transition. The start of my new life. 2025 is starting with a bit of a bang with my first surgical change. And I cannot wait! It's a small one. But it is another (very) concrete step in the new direction. The right direction.

So, I enter 2025 full of hope for this new direction in my life. I know there will be challenges and setbacks (the new administration will actively try to kill me, yay!) but I'm prepared to face them and move forward. There is no other choice. For the first time in my entire life I step into a new year for myself…my real, actual, self. Not the mask, not the simulation, not the act. For me. The real me. Audin stumbled into 2024. I, Kiera, deliberately step into 2025.

Happy New Year! I hope it is reasonably decent. For me it will at least be better than last year.

(Most of you reading this know at least roughly what's happened to me over 2024. A few of you are new. Um…surprise? Welcome into the circle. I'm sorry to spring this on you! But I'm also extremely happy to be able to share it at all. I'm at the beginning of building a new person and it is a magical feeling that I can't help but let it out. But sadly our society largely sucks. So this is all still a bit of a secret. So please use discretion should you need to share it with someone.)